I don't know how to make things better or pleasant. I am doing good today but I always fear tomorrow. I always fear the next second, if I'm to be clear to myself. I used to dream
a lot, all the time, the nights with no sleep were always the best, it was an endless dive into my fantasies and no one else close to see and penetrate them. Now, when I lay my head
on the pillow, every thought I have ever had is there, the hypothesis of every event in my life leading me to disaster and misery wont´t leave me alone. I have to pass out if I want to rest. My small eyes get eaten by the weight of the dark circles around them. I can only fall asleep when I dissolve and my body feels weightless. Can't tell how it started, but now I can only rest when I start to drift away. I am scared someday I'll get too far.
But am I really scared? Rather feel hopeful about things going wrong, about me going too far and ruin everything... I would have then a good excuse to fail. I wish I could blame everything on someone or something else. I got too sick, I have gone insane, I have gone broke, homeless, my whole family died... I long for those things sometimes, an excuse to not do as much as needed, to fail confortably and have pity and mercy instead of mockery and disgust.
I am annoyed all the time, I am mean to people I love because my mind can't stop thinking spiteful things about me and the others, about all existence and even non-living concepts. It's so hateful and rotten inside me all the time, it's just angst and bitterness and entitlement to deserve marvellous life experience at the cost of nothing.
I refuse to come here ever again. The love I always longed for, the cherishing from my peers and being crowned, praised and aplauded by the whole world has a price to high. I will
lose my mind if I always como back to this layer of hell where I always see reflections of my own evil, my absolute nastiest forms and gutural sounds of my soul. I AM NOT THIS! I AM
NOT HER!